The Locus of Chaos

It got me young. I was fine before. I was slightly anxious at times, but otherwise fine. I was cherubic and especially vulnerable when it happened, making the assault feel particularly cruel and calculated. I can picture it in my mind’s eye like a lucid dream. The scene remains more pristine in the palace of my past than it actually was in real time. It snuck up on me that one sunny afternoon on the small grassy hill. The lengths and ends of my hair lifted gently off my neck as warm winds swept past. The other children chattered around me, clapping their hands in unison as tree branches shook above us, clapping too. Birds chirped. The grass cradled us gently. I was smiling, looking up at the summer sun that winked at me playfully through the branches. At the time, I believed Mother Nature herself smiled sweetly upon us — her little creatures. In hindsight, I realize she was grimacing. They couldn’t have seen it coming, nor could I.  How could I?  There was no way I could’ve id...

          Treading lightly into the new year; not timidly, but with intentionality in each and every step -  hyper-aware of the frigid winter wind that whips my hair across my cheeks and into my field of vision. I am attentive to the high-pitched whistle of her voice and the bitter intensity of her kiss. She is just as intense as I am.      I am attentive to the cadence of his voice and the softness of his kiss. I am overjoyed when his eyes smile into mine and how they wander across and down my frame. I am endlessly inspired when he talks frantically about the history of music and menswear and Thomas Ligotti and the ancient mystery cults of antiquity. I am proud of the way he grabs me and digs his fingertips into my skin and the marks that they leave. I am comforted by the fact that nothing is ever left unsaid between us, even if we don’t explicitly say it.

My version <3 As follows: INS: Gratitude. Self agency. Daily walks. Consuming some form of animal-based protein daily (non-negotiable). Raw organ meat. Perfecting the art of the blowjob (always in). Daily stretching (hips and legs especially). Reading fiction. Reaching out to the people you’ve been avoiding for no reason other than your own mental abstractions about not being good enough and strong feelings of shame. You know which people. You care about them deeply, and they deserve to hear from you. Reaching out to your relatives on a regular basis, especially your grandparents. Honesty. Even when it’s painfully awkward  and hurtful to acknowledge out loud. Saying no/revoking consent/being rude when necessary. Probiotics. Lending Grace to others, and perhaps more importantly, yourself. OUTS Frequent complaining. Purchasing excessive supplements and skincare products (which typically do more harm than good anyway). Learned helplessness. Abilify. Shame-spirals. Plant-based diets...